7:9

I’ve been in a lot of rooms lately that make me think, “How did I get here?” 

Recently, I found myself sitting around a table with a bunch of heavily accented 40- to 70-year-old women at a local dive bar in Massachusetts, eating syrupy Americanized Chinese food while they discussed a book I had never read. 

A few days later, I sat painting a watercolor sunset in an airy sunroom with an ultraconservative and incredibly kind 94-year-old woman as my teacher. She grew up in a homogenous community in rural Missouri, causing her to be scared when she hugged her first black person at 81 years old. 

Months before, I read a newspaper in the back pew of a church while listening to the developing sing-song tones of a local steel pan band, a hodge-podge mix of mostly white and immigrant Seattleites (and one apparently very famous game developer) who all happen to be passionate about Trinidadian soca music.

 

In each of these moments, I felt equal parts unsettled and grateful - unsettled by the unfamiliar, unpredictable, and sometimes uncomfortable new environment, and grateful for the opportunity to step into a world that wasn’t mine and learn from those around me.

People often say that international travel is the best way to step outside of yourself and challenge your perspective, but I’ve found that you don’t always have to travel far. Some of the coolest, most interesting people that I’ve met have been in my own country, state, and neighborhood. I’ve found that it’s more about being curious and making yourself available to those around you than it is your physical location. 

In fact, just a couple months ago, I was sitting in the living room of two dear friends of mine who happen to live only a few blocks away – the husband is a pastor and celebrated biblical scholar in the UK and the wife is one of the smartest, funniest, kindest humans you’ll meet and also an incredible baker. Sitting there with them, I thought, “How did I get so lucky to be friends with such amazing people?” In that moment, the idea that I could at all be a reflection of those in my inner circle was completely humbling.  

But you know how I met them? By stumbling into their church and later going on a super informal coffee date. We weren’t introduced, I wasn’t on a hunt for cool friends, I just decided to show up at a tiny church in my tiny town, and one thing led to another. 

I’ll be one of two bridesmaids in the wedding of another close friend this fall. She has the best boundaries of anyone I know, is a total fantasy nerd, feels deeply, is vulnerable when life’s hard, can casually train a guide dog, shows up for her friends, is way more grown up than I will ever be, and is totally down to talk reality TV. She is also deeply grounded in the truth that every person matters, in part informed by her own family history during the Holocaust. I met her during that super awkward moment in a church service when they ask you to turn and say hi to the people around you. I now resent those moments (slightly) less. 

One of my other favorite humans is the definition of cool. She is a tough, kind, spirited Latina who would literally lay down her life for yours. She is also a principled Environmental Health Officer in the Navy, the queen of one-liners, the hardest working person I know, a protector of all those she loves, strategic as all get out, wildly creative (her Halloween costumes give Heidi Klum a run for her money), and represents every good part of what it means to be a woman. She has radically re-shaped my understanding of military service, and she and her husband have quickly become honorary members of our family. I heard her speak before I ever met her. In my own insecurity, I wrongly interpreted the sound of her self-assuredness to mean that she was intimidating and was relieved that we probably wouldn't cross paths again. Thank God we did because she's pretty great.

I have another friend who is pure light. He keeps his cards close to his chest, which makes it extra special when he lets you in. He’s funny, kind, supportive, and loyal, and can give you his detailed opinion on every restaurant's menudo offering (even though there’s still no way I’m trying menudo anytime soon). He has a habit of pretending like he’s not nearly as smart or capable as he is, but he’s actually one of the smartest and most capable people I know. He’s also the best person to listen to my dramatic tales, exclaiming at all the right moments. I love him dearly. We shared a class in high school, but I missed the first two weeks of it because I had pneumonia. When I returned to school, he said, “We thought you were dead! Are you ok??” His over-the-top concern was totally endearing, and we’ve been friends ever since.  

My best friend grew up in rural Wisconsin with a black Ghanaian father and a white Midwestern mother. She didn’t always feel like she belonged, and, because of this, she has the most wonderfully eclectic group of friends that represent every corner of the globe. She is thoughtful, logical, and humble, offering a practical balance to my impractical self. She also loves deeply, diligently serves others (sometimes a little too diligently – clear your calendar, girl!), advocates for what’s right, actually enjoys academic conferences, and appreciates dance videos, early 2000s Disney Channel, and good music as much as I do. I knew we would be best friends when we were both commiserating about how Nick Jonas getting married was making it really difficult for us to focus on finals. She can create space for me when I’m sad, matchmake when I’m lonely, and shout obscure lyrics at the top of her lungs with me when I’m happy. She’s the ultimate cheerleader and the kind of friend that anyone would want to have. I met her because I sat down next to her at our grad school orientation and was maybe a little too insistent that we should hang out. I’m grateful for that now because I don’t think we would’ve gotten to know each other as well otherwise. 

I share some things in common with each of these people (and the many wonderful others not represented in these particular pages, but frequently represented elsewhere), but none of them are exactly like me. They each come from different backgrounds and have their own belief systems, values, personality quirks, and stories to tell. Yet somehow, we still love each other. It’s such a gift to get to learn from them and for my understanding of the people in this world to be expanded by those who are in mine. 

I'd like each of you to take a moment and do a little thought exercise with me. Picture your wedding party or, if you’re not married, who you might have in your wedding party. Do they look just like you? Do they act just like you? Do you all run in the same exact circles? If your answer is yes to any of these three questions, first, no judgment. Second, I’m going to challenge you to make yourself a little more available to the people around you. Maybe ask a question or two of a stranger and listen to their responses without judgment. Maybe say yes to something you wouldn’t ordinarily. Maybe physically put yourself in a different environment and see what happens. Maybe (and don’t get mad at me here) say hi to the person sitting next to you on the plane. 

I’m not saying this to be an idealist. I’m saying this because I don't want you to miss out. Some of the very best people in my world have entered it through chance encounter. Some of those same people aren’t the ones I would’ve hand-picked if I were flipping through a book of friends, but they are exactly the ones that I needed. They have opened my eyes, humbled me, and taught me empathy in new ways. And, if you don't make a new friend, maybe you'll have a great conversation that sticks with you long after it's done. I've certainly had my fair share of those. Keep in mind that this is coming from someone who is chronically averse to vulnerability … if I can do it, so can you!

There are moments in life when we need to protest. There are moments when we need to fight. And there are moments when we need to turn to the person next to us, say hello, and listen to their story. You may end up in a bunch of weird places wondering, “How did I get here?” But I promise, promise, promise that it will all be worth it. 

If you’re an old friend reading this and it’s been a while since we’ve talked, hi! I miss you! Because I collect stories like some collect stamps, there isn’t a single one of you that I wouldn’t welcome back with open arms. If you want to reconnect, do it. I’d love to hear from you.

xx

Abbey

Titular Reference: 

"After this I looked, and there before me was a great multitude that no one could count, from every nation, tribe, people and language, standing before the throne and before the Lamb" (Revelation 7:9 NIV).