Put your hand in mine.

The Valentine’s Day season gives me the perfect opportunity to talk about one of my favorite things: love. I am a massive fan of love in all of its many forms. Love, at least the romantic kind, is the reason why this girl who is not a Swiftie and also not a fan of football can describe, in detail, every public encounter Taylor Swift has had with Travis Kelce over the last six months. Love is also the reason why I’m in year 20 of pining for Jess Mariano.

Valentine’s Day is one of my favorite holidays because it’s just so stinkin’ cute. As someone who’s been single for every Valentine’s Day that I’ve lived through, I’ve never understood the cynicism around it. Look, if you just went through a breakup then you get to feel whatever you want to feel. Otherwise, why be a hater? We don’t need a “Galentine’s Day”, or any other derivative intended to soothe single women’s bruised egos. Instead, let’s just enjoy the day platonically, romantically, alone, or with someone and recognize that we all have our own journeys, ok? It’s much more fun that way.

Side note: If you know me, you know that I don't love the word single. But, to make things easy, it is what I will be using for this post.

Now, since we’re on the topic of love, let me confess something to you: I caved and joined a dating app (well, a couple) not long ago. Friends, it was a short-lived experiment. Confirmation was had. I am not an app girl. But it got me thinking about love and my journey with it and opened the door to new insights that I shall now share with you, both those related and unrelated to dating apps. Enjoy.

1. I don't care how often you work out. 

(Accompanying Song: New Man by Ed Sheeran)

Turns out, this is a big one. People love to flaunt their fitness online and most people eat it up. I am not most people. Quite frankly, I detest the shallowness of it all (almost as much as I detest “A Star is Born” and the fact that the song “Shallow” is now stuck in my head). If I am interested in somebody, it’s because I see that there’s potential for us to pursue life together. I’m looking for a partner to walk through good times and bad with (because we know there will be bad). My desire for this goes so far beyond the superficial. I care that someone is invested in living life wholly and well more than I care about how often they go to the gym. Because here’s the thing: looks fade and accidents happen.

If you’re marrying (or dating) someone for their muscles, what happens if they suffer an injury that prevents them from exercising? What happens when they get overwhelmed by challenges and their big win of the day is getting out of bed? There’s an ebb and flow to life and to think anything else is just naïve. If you’re fit, great, but be fit because of the life you want to live, not the gym selfies you want to take (seriously, I will start gagging if I see another one). And if you’re not built but can hike to the beach and play with your future kids, also great.

 

2. I’m pretty sure “traditional” doesn’t mean what you think it does.

(Accompanying Song: Adam’s Ribs by Jensen McRae)

You guys, I made a fatal error in joining a Christian dating app that I had heard was the “cool” one. It was, in fact, not cool. I was overwhelmed by the number of men who wore their unvaccinated status like a badge of honor (still?). I was even more overwhelmed by the number of men desperately seeking what they referred to as a “traditional” wife. One man claimed he was “looking for his rib.” Another that his future partner “must have a genuine and feminine soul.” I’m not sure what that means, but ok, noted. It made me wonder if these men knew Jesus or just their Christian culture... maybe it was a mix of both. Either way, I started questioning what they meant by “traditional” because I’m pretty sure their tradition isn’t the tradition of the Bible.

For a case study on this, let’s turn to Proverbs 31 which essentially describes the ideal wife. This fictional woman is a respected businesswoman, she is smart and strategic, physically strong and capable. She identifies entrepreneurial opportunities and chases after them. This woman is present for her husband and children and manages the affairs of her household. She works hard and is generous. She is creative, humble, and wise. She is fearlessly joyful. This woman is a servant, but she is not subservient. This woman represents God’s tradition. Evangelical American tradition may very well be different, but I suggest that these internet boys clarify what they mean before recklessly conflating the two.

3. Dogs aren’t a personality. 

(Accompanying Song: Hound Dog by Elvis Presley)

I recognize that this may be hard for some of you to hear, but dogs are not a personality. They are, in fact, just mammals. Not your whole identity. As much as you may love them and care for them, I will lose my mind if you relate to real human parents by chiming in that you’re a dog parent. Look, I’m a big fan of dogs. I may not love them as much as your average white, male, Pacific Northwesterner, but I’m definitely still on team dog. It’s just so unoriginal to be the dog guy. I’m pretty sure most humans are the dog guy.

I particularly don’t like when people use pictures of them with dogs (whether they are actually their dogs or not remains to be seen) to emotionally manipulate me into thinking that they are somehow...dependable? Caring? Interesting? All I take from those photos is that they are uncreative individuals who like to pick low hanging fruit. 

4. It’s hard to be vulnerable.

(Accompanying Song: Must’ve Been the Wind by Alec Benjamin)

It took me close to six months after my brother-in-law spied on me before I could listen to a love song or watch a rom-com. It all felt like a lie. His actions towards me had confirmed what I’d long been afraid of: that men aren’t safe and that they will choose sex over me every single time. It’s hard to convince me that this isn’t true since almost all of the relationships in my life have dealt with some form of infidelity or marital injustice. Confirmation bias abounds.

In my life, I’ve seen the story of redemption. That story makes sense to me. There are couples I know intimately who have been through some things and are now stronger than ever. What I haven’t seen is the story where cheating doesn’t happen in the first place. Somewhere along the way my fear of men coupled with my judgment toward myself caused me to shut down. To close myself off. I chose self-protection over love, familial, romantic, or otherwise. I’m not exactly sure when it happened but I do know it started young. The walls were well-established by middle school. Now they are practically historical landmarks cemented in place by the passage of time.

I’m uncomfortable realizing this, but also grateful. For a long time, independence felt like freedom, but it wasn’t. It prevented me from letting people past my façade and it kept me insular, confirming that I am unlovable. Despite my terrible dread, I want to start handing people in my world sledgehammers as we work together to tear my walls down. Maybe one of those people will be a romantic partner, maybe not, but either way, it’ll feel good to be known and accepted as the whole messy human that I am. 

5. It’s time to shake off the dust.

(Accompanying Song: Leave My Mind by Ben Platt)

Not long ago, I was finally able to let go of someone that I had kept wrapped up in my heart for close to a decade. He had seemed like the one that got away... the ultimate What If. I became exhausted after years of mentally re-watching the story of us, desperately trying to turn it off only to grab the remote and click play again. My love for him prevented me from even entertaining the idea of anyone else. Sure, I had plenty of crushes and a few flirtations, but he nagged at the back of my brain, reminding me that he would always be there even as the others faded away.

In the fall, we had a conversation that snapped me back into focus and showed me why he was not, and never had been, the guy for me. After countless attempts, I was finally able to shake off the dust of a decade spent hoping and let go (for good).

The other day I went on a long walk in the sun and was surprised when I realized I hadn’t thought of him. Walks were usually prime thinking time. It’s funny that instead of thinking about him I was thinking about how I wasn’t thinking about him which sort of defeats the purpose. But anyway, it felt good. I’ve tied myself to my past for so long, but my past needed to die for me to see that there is so much more, so much better waiting for me ahead.

6. Those that journey with you will journey with you.

(Accompanying Song: Get Up and Go by A Brother’s Fountain)

I feel like I’m on The Bachelor whenever I use the word “journey” so please pretend I’m saying this to you from my seat in the confessional. I had a kind of remarkable insight recently that may be pretty obvious to everyone else but for me it felt revelatory. I have been hiding out, pursuing school, making convenient career choices, and sticking with my crew of safe people for a long time. I haven’t really put myself out there, but I also haven’t really put myself in many environments that felt like me. I am an off-the-beaten-path traveler who has settled for small-town living. I’m a creative person surrounded by academics who exude logic and order (no shade, love you all, we’re just different :). I’m a beach girl who inhabits the forests. This life is not a bad one. It’s someone’s dream one. It’s just not mine.

I have been walking on this path that isn’t mine, trying to make it work. I have been living in intersections, holding to the sweet relief of when the path I’m on crosses over My Path. I have been looking around in church pews for my person and coming up short. I won’t find him here. Because if I want someone to journey through life with and pursue a shared mission with then they also have to be pursuing that mission. If I’m not, I’m not gonna meet them. If they’re not, they’re not gonna meet me. You know how you meet friends? By being in shared spaces that reflect your common interests. You know how you meet more-than-friends? Same thing. 

Now we could get all into the weeds about “the one” here, but let’s just operate under the assumption that even if there are many potential ones (which is what I’m inclined to believe) you’re not going to meet a single one of them if you aren’t stepping out in faith and journeying on the path that was uniquely designed for you. Now is the time for me to start living in this reality.

7. Find yourself a hallway.

(Accompanying Song: You’re Gonna Go Far by Noah Kahan)

I am generally really content being single. I also don’t believe singleness is a deficit. It’s why I’ve been single for so long. I’m not guaranteed a partner, none of us are, and I recognize that pursuing one should not be my primary focus. I’m good with me. I’m safe with me. I’m familiar with me. There are places where I’m content being single. There are also places where I’m scared to be anything but and it’s those places that I want to challenge.

As a single person, it’s hard to admit that you don’t want to be because it can feel almost desperate. Honey, I ain’t desperate. In fact, my issue is more the opposite. I remember a former friend of mine (it ended badly in a deluge of drama so the “former” feels important here), lamenting about how terrible it would be if she was single at 26. At the time, we were both 19 and I remember looking at her like she was crazy. I am now 27 and hindsight tells me, she was crazy. But she believed singleness would lead to her demise and she demonstrated that by getting married three months after our conversation to a man she barely knew. 

It’s hard to admit that I don’t want to be single. It goes back to me being afraid to be vulnerable. But it’s true. And, as a woman who wants kids, the clock is real. Its tick can be pretty distracting, hence the dating app experiment.

For the past three years, I have prayed many prayers asking God to open a door. Sometimes, I got specific by asking him to open this door. Not sure if you knew this, but doors are typically found in hallways. I, however, have been living in a cave. God desires to partner with us. Sure, he’s powerful enough to bust through the cave wall and clear a path but that’s not how this works. I can’t hide from him and from others while expecting all of my dreams to come true.

I work remotely. I hang with a lot of the same people. My parents are my best friends, think Lorelai and Rory (and the Gilmore Girls references just keep on coming...). Most days, I live a pretty low-key, homebody lifestyle. I love so many pieces of this life – my family, especially – but my dreams extend outside of it. Am I delusional? Do I expect God to beam down a dream job and dream man to this cave that I’m living in? It’s not going to happen. I have to do the work to get in a hallway, to get in a place where I’m open, receptive, and available. And then, I have to trust him to open the door that he wants me to walk through, even if it looks different than what I thought.

This is true whether or not you are a Christian. If you have a dream and your actions don’t support that dream, then it’s never going to happen. Get out of your cave and go find a hallway. I’ll get out of mine too. Let’s see where the doors lead.

8. Whole people love whole people. 

(Accompanying Song: Pick Me by Alec Benjamin)

The thing that made me most discouraged about my time on the apps was that they reduce people to their parts instead of recognizing them for the whole people that they are. I don’t think it’s just dating apps that do this; our whole society is seemingly moving toward a place where we turn people into bumper stickers instead of embracing them in their complexity. We are also increasingly obsessed with appearances which is why, I believe, the Botox industry is booming (especially for young people) and warm homes that tell stories are being swapped for sterile, “aesthetically pleasing” shelters.

It's a shame because my favorite thing about humans is exactly how complex we are. We are more than just the gym guy or the dog guy or the liberal guy or the conservative guy. We are more than the pretty girl or the travel girl, the rich girl or the poor girl. We are unique humans with stories and scars and value. Most often, we are walking contradictions acting like we have so much integrity when really, we don’t. We have beautiful, exciting, luminescent pieces of ourselves, and we have really dark, unjust, controversial pieces of ourselves. 

Despite this being true, I’m not sure most people believe it anymore. It’s why I’m so insecure to be my whole self because I don’t see that being valued in our public domain. Some of you reading this might nod along in agreement, but does your life reflect these values? Does mine? Do we honor and appreciate people as their whole selves? Maybe, maybe not. Maybe sometimes. Maybe just for people we know. 

I want to love someone for their whole self, and I want them to love me for mine. Most days, this feels impossible, but I know it isn’t. I will never be the prettiest, the smartest, the most athletic, or the most creative. I will only be me. And that should be enough. 

I wrote all of this to you as if I’m now confident in my pursuit of love. Let me assure you that I’m not. I’m totally cowering, unsure, and insecure. Despite this, the past few weeks have made me more open, at least to the idea. They have also made me surer of what really doesn’t do it for me.

This Valentine’s Day, I am going to be sitting solo on a cozy couch in Napa, California with some delicious food, chocolate that I shipped from the East Coast, and the new season of Love is Blind. Maybe the next day I’ll wander into a new church or say hi to someone on a walk or bring my laptop to a coffee shop. You know, make myself available. But the day of, I’m going to be comfy and in my feels. I can’t wait. 

Sending love to all of you. Xo.

Abbey 

Titular Song: Make You Mine by PUBLIC 

(Side note: I saw them play live long before they had any public recognition, and they were some truly stand-up gentlemen. I highly recommend you check them out if only to throw some support their way).