I try (o-o-ooh), I try (o-o-ooh), I try.

 

Oh hey, my people. It’s been a while. 

I have struggled with knowing what to write over the past several weeks. I certainly haven’t been short of thoughts or opinions or stories, but I have felt like many of those thoughts and opinions and stories don’t serve a public good. At least not right now. I’ve been dealing with a lot of hurt related to pandemic rhetoric lately and originally drafted an entire post calling people I love to do better. It was scathing, quite honestly. Perhaps there will be a time and place for me to let my anger and hurt out in this space in a way that moves the conversation forward, but I do feel a sense of social responsibility with how I use this internet home and now didn’t seem like the time to air out all my trauma publicly. 

So, instead, I started reflecting as I cleaned my room this morning and thinking about the last couple of months of my life. In many ways, they’ve been brutally difficult – mentally, emotionally, physically. I’ve felt suffocated by the rising tide that hasn’t yet retreated. It’s been a couple of months of one thing after the other after the other and all I’ve wanted is to catch a break. These months have frequently made me feel cynical, depressed, angry, and judgmental. I’ve started to characterize and condemn people for simple, observable characteristics that contrast with mine. Forgive me for that. I also know that many of you reading this now have been on that same journey with me. 

But then I started thinking about that more. The idea of cynicism. It’s been a convenient default for me for most of my life. It’s much easier for me to be cynical than it is for me to be present, engaged, and look for the good in the people and world around me. It’s much easier for me to be cynical and point to the specks in other peoples’ eyes instead of acknowledging the plank in my own. It’s much easier for me to submit to passive division than do the hard work of unifying in my own sphere of influence. I used to be one of those people who said, “I’m not cynical. I’m realistic.” 

People try to romanticize cynicism and make it equal to wisdom. It’s not. In fact, perhaps the wisest thing you can do is not succumb to cynicism. It’s not complex or beautiful or noble to be cynical. It’s not life-giving. It’s just cheap and easy. I say this with compassion for everyone else who struggles with cynicism, like me. In fact, right now, I would much rather share the post I mentioned earlier and retreat to a safe bubble of like-minded individuals who can validate my judgments of all those who think differently than I do. It would be easier and more gratifying in the short term to take this approach. But in the long term, it would suck my soul dry of any meaning, connection, or purpose. 

In letting all these thoughts take root in my head, my lens of the past two months has started to change. I have gotten to spend time with some of the most wonderful humans in my life who I love with all my heart during this period. Six weeks ago, I was in Santa Barbara and experienced an incredibly meaningful moment of my life when my biological grandfather’s family and my chosen grandfather’s family on my mom’s side were all under the same roof. They come from completely different walks of life and yet there we were – enjoying time, good food, and sunset views together. It was healing and special and I never in a million years would’ve expected it to happen. 

I’ve also had incredible support systems in my closest friends who have been there for me, gotten me out of the house, listened to me cry or vent or you name it, and talked me off the ledge multiple times. I’ve had fun with them – even when some of them are miles (or countries) away – and they’ve been glittery bright spots in my life. I’ve gotten to spend time with my family and have had the immense privilege of being within six feet of my sisters and grandparents. I have the coolest people in my life, many of whom don’t think or operate in the exact same way that I do, but I’m still so humbled that they’re mine. 

The past couple of months have also been marked by a lot of really delicious food, road trips, celebrity sightings, and literal dreams coming true. I started a new, purpose-filled job with absolute gems of co-workers who inspire and challenge me. I’ve gotten to dive deep into the literature of my field and have learned so much along the way. 

It would be foolish for me, at this point, to think that my life is falling apart. That doesn’t make anything less hard. It most certainly doesn’t erase all the emotional pain or hurt that I will surely have to work through and process for years to come. But it does give me perspective and reminds me that I am loved and that I’m not alone, even in the darkest moments. It also gives me encouragement to keep moving forward one step at a time, keep connecting with and supporting people (even when they hurt me), keep doing the emotional labor of staying present, and keep turning my eyes up to heaven when things here on earth seem to be going downhill fast. 

I pretty much suck at all these things right now. Like really suck. But I'll take the loving slap on the wrist and the little slice of hope that has given me the courage to step into another day. I don’t want to rely on cynicism to guide my cautious, controlled, and anxious steps. I want to be brave and filled with hope. I want to trust in the big things that are both to come and happening now. 

I’m working on it. 

Titular Song: Leave My Mind by Ben Platt