An incomplete description of where I'm at

I’ve been having a hard time lately. I feel like I don’t have words to describe my circumstances or poignant insights about the world around me. I’ve found myself frustrated, on multiple occasions, with people asking me: “how are you doing?” I’m not frustrated with them (though sometimes I internalize it that way), but I am frustrated with the question. I simply don’t have a good answer. When people offer to help me process through things, I feel lost, distracted, and almost repelled by the concept. I don’t really have much to say (or, perhaps more accurately at times, much that I want to say).

I’m in this weird phase of my life where I’m going through a lot and processing a lot and growing a lot, but it’s all so actively in process that I can’t speak to what’s happening, exactly, or what I’m feeling. If I’m being honest with myself and you, I think part of that comes from me not wanting to do the work of opening Pandora’s box and figuring out what’s really going on beneath the surface. That feels scary and overwhelming. It also feels like it requires energy, which I don’t have. 

I’ve struggled over the past year. I’ve experienced a lot of transition, health challenges, and life events that would be enough to push me over the edge even in normal times. Throw the pandemic on top of that and I’m basically useless. I even mentioned to my mom recently that the only things that I know bring me joy - seeing new things, traveling, adventure, connecting with humans, and having community in my work - don’t exist in my world right now. It’s been a very difficult process to figure out how to cope when all my tools are missing from my toolbox.

I’ve also experienced really happy moments. In fact, very recently I made a decision that has given me a lot more freedom and peace. But, I feel guilty for not feeling happy enough because the background noise of my burnout and depression is still so loud.

One of the biggest struggles for me has been my complete lack of motivation and endless comparison of myself to previous versions of myself. Things that used to be easy for me - making my bed first thing in the morning, spending time with God, working out, taking a shower, going on a walk, keeping my spaces clean, even waking up - now feel like herculean tasks. I’m exhausted all the time and frequently feel aimless and untethered.

More than that, I feel like a failure every day and every day I feel guilty for failing. 

I am driven by perfection - always have been. Not perfection in the sense of always producing perfect products (I’m okay with “good enough”), but in being a perfect human - someone who is kind, gracious, funny, doesn’t anger, offend, or hurt people, is talented and accomplished, a rock for others, and able to keep her stuff together at all times. I know this standard is impossible and even a simplified version of this standard is highly unrealistic. And yet, it’s the standard that I hold myself to. It prevents me from loving and accepting myself, receiving love and acceptance from others, giving and receiving grace, and feeling comfortable and okay in my own imperfect skin. 

I desperately want freedom from perfection. It breeds insecurities in me that aren’t obvious, and certainly not to others, but that nonetheless boil up and prevent me from living life as the fullness of myself. Even when I talk about this stuff, I get emotional, leading me to believe that this is all a very raw wound. 

Holding myself to a standard of perfection coupled with my generalized and persistent anxiety manifests itself as fear in me. I’m afraid of a lot of things - again, not obvious fears to others, but they are certainly there - I’m afraid to fail, to look stupid or like I don’t have all the answers, to be confused, to get hurt (both mentally and physically), to be vulnerable, to not be loved, to be truly seen for who I am (and then not be loved). I’m a calculated risk-taker, which really just means that I’ll take risks that I know won’t harm me too much, but I want to be a bold risk-taker. Someone who’s entirely unafraid. 

So this is me right now. I’ve had several people share with me in unrelated conversations the importance of establishing routines to help move into a healthy space. So, this week I’ve committed to a few very simple and manageable tasks that I want to slowly turn into habits. I started yesterday and am already feeling better heading into today. Slow and steady wins the race, right? ;)