Know, I hurt you, and I, I'm sorry. All I wanted was to love somebody.

Hello, my lovely friends.

Today is my annual public opportunity to talk about relationships and singleness. I am so excited to share my thoughts with you and hopefully hear your thoughts as well. Let’s take this ride together, shall we?

I will start by saying that I love Valentine’s Day. I don’t love it when people take it so seriously that it bleeds into the hyper-romantic, cheesy category, but I do love it when people treat it like the 5th-grade version of Valentine’s Day when it’s just fun and cute and simple. I choose to resist the haters who say it’s just for greeting card companies because, even if that’s true, why get in the way of love and chocolate-covered strawberries? To be honest, though, I love any holiday. Give me an excuse to eat good food and theme my outfits and I am there.

Anyway, I know that this holiday can also be challenging for some people because it makes them feel alone or unwanted, or unloved. Watching other people happy in their relationships can expose our cynical hearts and make us believe a lie that the one thing that we think will bring us happiness has not yet entered into our lives. Though I empathize with this, I think this mindset is completely wrong. 

I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again: I have never considered myself single. The reason for this is because there is so much attached to that word and it is so often used to describe a deficit in our lives. To me, it’s reflective of the “waiting for my other half” mentality. This concept is something I neither connect with nor support. I am not deficient or half of a person simply because I don’t have a partner.

Even recently, I was in a virtual book club where as part of introducing themselves several women commiserated about being single. I was taken aback by this because before they even knew anyone else in the group they were so desperate to get rid of their singleness that they were willing to immediately recruit strangers in that journey. 

I just want to shake people when they’re like “ugh, I’m so sick of being single.” Don’t they realize how wonderful they are?! Don’t they recognize that God’s plan is so much greater and more exciting than anything they could dream up?! Don’t they see that there are opportunities for greatness right in front of them?! Don’t they understand that the world around them is alive and full of future memories, should they choose to step into it?! Sometimes, I have to shake myself too and replace the “they” in these questions with the word “I.”

Since I’ve already hopped aboard the vulnerability train in previous posts, I’ll just keep on riding. I have been unattached my entire life – I’ve never kissed anyone, dated anyone, or done any derivative of those things. And I’m proud of this. It’s been the right choice for me and I don't feel immature or inexperienced because of it.

I remember a few years ago a friend of mine was really hurting after a breakup and came over to talk about it. She was sharing how she’s worried she’ll be alone for the rest of her life and that she feels pathetic and unlovable. I sat and stared into her tear-soaked eyes and asked, “Do you think I’m pathetic? Because if you do, then you can hold yourself to the standard I hear you holding yourself to, but if you don’t then you have an opportunity to shift your perspective.” 

I have never wanted to date just for the sake of dating – that feels like a waste of my time and emotional energy. If we gon’ date, then there better be serious potential for marriage at the end of it. Otherwise, I’m good being me.

I remember sharing with friends as a 12-year old that I wasn’t even going to consider dating until I was at least halfway through college. They were all shocked and didn’t believe it. Little did they know that 12-year-old Abbey was dead serious. I’ve always wanted to know myself really well before I entered into a relationship. I know that once feelings get involved if you haven’t done the work upfront it can be really difficult to maintain your sense of self and engage in a healthy relationship. Heck, even if you have done the work upfront it can still be difficult. 

I wanted to be capable and independent first so that I could choose to be dependent on someone else instead of being forced into it.

It’s funny to me because so often I hear that you can’t possibly be ready for a long-term relationship if you haven’t been in love before or haven’t been heartbroken romantically before. Maybe for some people, that’s true, but for me, I have seen how God has used so many situations in my life to prepare me for my future. I have not been heartbroken by a romantic partner, but I have been heartbroken. I have not had to sacrifice or compromise with a boyfriend, but I have had to learn that love takes work. Vulnerability for me has not come through my romantic relationships, but it has come through reaching a lot of dead ends in my personal life and learning that I have to let people in. I’ve committed to growing and maturing so that I can be better for myself and for those around me and yes, for whoever that future man is.

Relationships, particularly relationships just for the sake of relationships and the quick validation that they bring, are not the end all be all. Now that being said, I’m not going to lie to you. I want so badly to be married when it’s the right time. I  mean, c’mon, I watch rom-coms all the time and I wouldn’t do that if they didn’t totally give me the feels and make me hopeful for the future. I also deeply want to have kids. Straight up, my ovaries have been exploding since I was 20. And yet, I’m not willing to sacrifice my standards or myself to get there. I refuse. I would rather be 45 years old and find the truly best match for me at that moment in time, than jump into something now just because it feels good. 

My intention in saying all of this is to normalize that people’s paths to romantic love or self-love or whatever the case may be are not homogenous. They look different and no matter what path you take – living the nun life with me or getting married at 19, you are not a loser (though I hope you are wise and prayerful). In my experience, people don’t realize nearly enough how wonderful they are. I don’t realize nearly enough how wonderful I am. It feels uncomfortable to sit with who we are and to love ourselves without external influence. But, when we don’t create that space, mistakes get made, and hurt happens. It’s both sad and inevitable. 

But I’ll let you in on a little secret: I am so glad that I have spent my life up until this point as a woman without a partner and I am simultaneously so excited, hopeful, and prepared to meet that person that I can see a life with. However, my lack of that relationship now is not in any way, shape, or form something that impacts my value and contributions to this world. If you don’t hear that from anyone else, hear that from me. I can promise you that I mean it because I haven’t just said it, I’ve lived it. 

I’ve had several people in my life share how surprised they are by my self-awareness or the insights that I’ve had at a young age. The reason for all of that is because God has used this period of my life to grow me deeply in so many ways that are preparing me for my future roles, including, but not limited to, those of being a wife and a mother. I’ve been through some things like we all have been through some things and I’ve had to learn how to confidently and boldly walk into situations that allow me to grow and change. I’ve engaged in relationships that have taught me empathy for others and humility for myself. Self-growth is hard and uncomfortable and frequently a term that we just throw around. But when we actually do the work, that work gets used for good. I promise.

It’s also important for me to note that I don’t think romantic relationships have to be for everyone. If that’s what you want, I want that for you and I know that there’s so much beauty that can come from them. But, if it’s not your thing or you feel called to live life in a different way whether for the long-term or just right now, that’s beautiful too. God doesn’t create his children to be the same people. If he did, what mission would be accomplished?

I am a whole person right now. I am maturing personally and I am growing my capabilities professionally. I am committed to my people. I am committed to my work – whether paid or volunteer. I am also committed to my passions and the things that bring me joy. All of this is valid and meaningful right now, as it is. When I’m in a relationship, my hope is that that boy will bring all of his cool stuff to the table too and we’ll just be a bigger whole together. But even if that never happens, I have a purpose and I am loved. Just like you have a purpose and are loved. 

There are moments when this message is easy for me to say. And there are moments when I’m on hour three of watching romantic moments compilations on YouTube feeling impatient, insecure, and envious of others. The thing that levels my head eventually in those times though is knowing that what I’m saying right now is true.

I have inherent value. You have inherent value. Do you know that about yourself? Do you really feel it? Are you willing to take risks because of it? Sometimes I feel this, and sometimes I don’t at all. But I stay persistent and keep progressing towards that deep realization in my soul. Partner with me in that, why don’t cha. 

If you are single right now – you are awesome and loved. If you are in a relationship right now – you are awesome and loved. If you are married right now – you are awesome and loved. Because I believe that this love comes from our good God above, there’s nothing we can do to change it. But we can accept his gifts as they come (whether in the form of romantic relationships or other meaningful life changes) and ask him honestly for what we want. 

I’ve said my piece, at least for now. So to close, will you be my Valentine? 

Titular Song: Love Somebody by Lauv