I Don't Know.

I wanted to add this to the top before continuing with the post that I had planned for this week since we just received election results this morning. If you voted for Joe Biden in this election, congratulations! We made it happen! If you chose instead to vote for Donald Trump, then I sincerely hope that you will feel heard, represented, and supported by the next administration in the coming years. All voices deserve to be heard and every person has something valuable to offer. Political affiliation does not detract from that truth.  Okay, back to the post...

People in this country like answers. They like responding to people. They like navigating the sweet spot of halfway listening to others while also halfway, or sometimes fully, forming their own response in their heads. They like opinions and feeling entitled to one (at some point I’ll talk about why I don’t think entitlement is really a thing). They like to be right. And, they like to be recognized for it. 

I have fit this mold wholeheartedly in my life, but I’m trying to break it. 

I come from a very opinionated family that likes to respond and I am perhaps one of the most opinionated and responsive of the bunch. In time, I’ve learned that this conversational and interpersonal posture can actually be exhausting and stressful for all parties involved. It’s also at times equally exhausting and stressful to correct. 

For the past several months, I’ve been working on the following: Asking more questions, and talking less. This has been a substantial challenge for me because, well, I like to talk. When I was a kid, I had a babysitter who used to tease me by calling me “Talk-a-Lot.” Though I will never appreciate this nickname or her approach in using it, it is pretty accurate. 

However, there have been my times in my life where my talkative nature has been both silenced and highlighted by insecurity. These include moments where I’ve felt so uncomfortable in a conversation with someone that I felt was “smarter” than me. What I really mean by that is that those people had a level of expertise in something that I didn’t. That they could speak to a topic, or multiple topics, in a well-researched and eloquent fashion in a way that I would never be able to. My insecurities in those moments have spoken loudly saying that that person’s point of view was more important than mine. 

The reason I felt insecure about this, I think, is because I didn’t feel like I had a response that could match anything that they were saying. It was because I couldn’t respond eloquently that I felt unintelligent or unimportant. But, in holding on to this belief, I’ve completely negated my own perspective, my experiences, and my areas of expertise. 

This conversation with you all isn’t about confidence or security though. It’s about being okay with not having the answers and sitting in that culturally uncomfortable spot, recognizing that a response of “I don’t know,” is just as valid, if not more so, than any other response because it allows room for us to learn and grow from others.

I think many of us, myself included, frequently operate in a place of arrogance even if we wouldn’t name it as such. I’ll use this past election week as an example. 

I’m not an expert on politics in the slightest, but I do my best to stay informed while also maintaining mental and emotional boundaries. Where my strengths really shine are in observing human behavior and social norms and the impact that pop culture and public narrative have on how we live our lives. From that lens, I think Democrats have demonstrated this concept of arrogance well this week. 

I started seeing headlines pop up about Democrat disappointment a day or so after election night. Essentially, these articles shared that Democrats were disappointed that there wasn’t a “blue wave” like they were expecting in the House and the Senate. Many expressed surprise and also hurt over this. 

When I read this, I connected it back to the many observations that I’ve had, particularly over the past four years, where I’ve seen how many self-identified Democrats in my own circle live in this bubble of information where they feel like everyone in this country should feel the same way as they do and be making the same decisions that they are because they are inherently right. 

Now, I’m not trying to say that this is exclusive to Democrats at all, but given my own political leanings and also the community around me this particular perspective is something that I have more insight into. 

What I mentioned above reads to me as arrogance because it puts the individual at the center of their own world and their own ideology and assumes rightness because of it. What I’ve wrestled with recently is that if roughly 50% of eligible voters support Donald Trump, that must mean that there’s a reason for it and in order to move forward in any capacity, we need to know and understand that reason so we can work collaboratively. 

No matter what you or I believe, we all have blind spots. I’ve mentioned this briefly before, but what I notice most as lacking in our world right now is humility. I see widespread division and hate on all sides. I see finger-pointing and arguments. I see name-calling and eye-rolling. But what I don’t see a lot of is people being willing to say that they don’t have all the answers and that they need to ask questions of someone who believes differently than them to fill in the gaps. 

In the moments where I have been able to let go of my own desire to prove myself through offering responses, I’ve gained so much insight from others. This is true even when I don’t share their beliefs. The conversations have been richer and the takeaways more profound. I write this as much for you as for me because I, too, need a reminder to be quiet every once in a while. 

So, will you join me in admitting that we aren’t always right? Will you join me in recognizing that we don’t have all of the answers (or even most of them)? Will you join me in asking questions? Will you join me in sweet, sweet conversational silence every now and again? Let’s be humble. Let’s be okay with not always having something to say.

If we value lived experiences, then we must value all lived experiences by being willing to learn from others whether we agree with them or not. It’s uncomfortable. Trust me, every day I struggle with keeping my mouth shut and listening. But, it’s also important.

As soon as we think we have the answers, then we’ve missed the point and in so doing alienated potential relationships or areas for growth. I personally don’t want to get caught up in that cycle just because culture tells me to. 

So, that’s what I’ll leave you with – some food for thought. 

As always, please reach out if you’d like to just connect or talk specifically about any of these posts. I’ve been able to have meaningful conversations as a result of my first couple of posts and I look forward to many more in the future. Also, if you have any topics that you’d specifically like to hear my thoughts on feel free to offer recommendations! 

With love and hope, 

Abbey